Most of us know that space consists, in a large part, of dark matter (except for the Milky Way which consists mostly of milk chocolate matter). Scientists have pondered long and hard over what dark matter actually is — it can only be inferred by its effects on other things. There is consensus that there is dark matter because it explains away a lot of discrepancies in scientific calculations. So much better to say “the dark matter did it” than “oops, my bad” (in fact, I have never heard a scientist admit an error in calculations). But I stray from the topic:
When we gaze into space at night, we see twinkling stars, the glow of planets, the man on the moon, and also a lot of darkness. That darkness is “dark matter.” Well, you may ask, where does it go in the daylight? This sounds on the face of it to be a good question, but in fact it is a stupid question. When you are in a darkened room and you turn on the lights it is no longer dark is it? Did the darkness just somehow disappear? No, dumbhead, you just can’t see it because it is no longer dark — we have shifted the parameters of the experiment and now we see illuminated matter!
I apologize for calling you a dumbhead. It is just that Linshaolin has to put up with a lot of stupid questions and sometimes loses her patience… Dark matter does not emit light (or anything else for that matter). If you bounce a ball against it you will not see the ball return to you in your lifetime. Is dark matter so far away? Well, yes and no. It is both near and far. We have evidence of its nearness: do you have any unexplained bruises? Have you ever woken up with what feels like a hangover? These are evidence that you have bumped into dark matter.
Recently I have come to realize that the forces of dark matter have been at work in my refrigerator. On Thursday I bought a Pepperidge Farm chocolate cake with confetti icing. I served us each a modest piece (in keeping with our new slenderized bodies) and put the remainder of the cake in the fridge. The next day I opened the box to get a piece of cake but found that it was now filled with dark matter and not cake. I was dumbfounded but on introspection I came to realize that dark matter must require the consumption of calories to exist — the dark matter had consumed the cake. This explains so very many things!
Fritz Zwicky needs to be mentioned here (primarily because I love to say his name — repeat Fritz Zwicky three times!) He discovered dark matter way back in the 1930s. He worked at an astronomy laboratory and postulated that dark matter must exist because otherwise all his work would have to be chucked out. His theories have been confirmed by random but prevalent disappearances of food from staff cafeteria refrigerators everywhere.
I always feel so much wiser after readiing your explanations of scientific phenomena. I wish you would illuminate these complex issues more frequently. I can’t imagine that you haven’t been recruited as a professor by MIT. Do they not realize the talent they have right in their backyard? Thank you!