Breakdown in the Fast Lane

Entries from May 2008

Linshaolin takes a busman’s holiday

May 21, 2008 · 3 Comments

Devoted reader (ah, that should be “readers” as in plural, as in maybe three or four) — you have seen me through thick and thin (OK, not thin) over the past year, but it is time for Linshaolin to take the next exit off the Fast Lane. This will be a temporary side trip. The Breakdown in the Fast Lane blog will resume. Perhaps in the Fall, perhaps sooner.

There are only so many hours in the day and I am getting older and can no longer live on four hours of sleep. Something has got to go so that I can concentrate on my novel. I need more time if I ever hope to finish that thing! Wish me luck and if any of you know a literary agent please introduce us!

See you in September!

Categories: Writing

A couple of words you always wish you knew what they meant…

May 15, 2008 · 1 Comment

If you are like me there are some words that you have to look up repeatedly since their definitions just don’t seem to stick in your head. Here are some that have come up recently in conversations (I am putting them together in a sentence for you to illustrate): I am sanguine that those of you in sartorial splendor find a surfeit of reasons not to infer from my speech that I deduce from the meager evidence that you are zoftig. I hope that the following translation and explanation helps you learn and retain these important words so that you too can sound erudite.

I am confident that those of you who are splendidly attired  will find an excess of reasons not to use your brains to figure out that what I am saying is that I have examined the little evidence that there is and have concluded that you are of a soft, well-rounded body type.

Sanguine literally means bloody or blood red. It gets its current usage (to be confident) from the medieval times when blood was thought to be the element representing passion or conviction. Sartorialrefers to ones manner of dress and derives from the Latin word for tailor. Surfeitmeans in excess or to to overdo (my favorite example is “a surfeit of eating leaves one feeling crapulous.”) and derives from French sur (over or above) and faire (to do).

Infer and deduce are often mixed up. Deduction and Inference are both forms of inference — they are subtly but importantly different. The Latin deducere means to lead away from. Deduction is the reasoning in which one reaches a conclusion based on the stated premises. Inference is reasoning to a conclusion by examining evidence presumed or known to be true. The Latin infere means to bring in! The difference has something to do with the certainty of the truth of the premises. It is a joyful occasion when one hears infer and deduce used properly — it is one of those “I can’t really explain it well but I know it when I hear it.”

Zoftig means a fleshy female (usually a fleshy buxom female) and comes from the Yiddish word for juicy. Language is divine!

Categories: Language

The three archetypes: a discourse on uncertainty–Pt. 1 Character

May 14, 2008 · 1 Comment

This is really part three of a dialog on identity (Part one: Will the real Linshaolin please stand up; part two: GS’s response (relying heavily on Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle; and now part three — Linshaolin’s attempt at bridging particle physics and dinner parties). But before I begin, let me just set some ground rules: no disparaging comments about handbag acquisition will be tolerated, nor will unsupported statements be accepted as valid arguments. This is science after all.

Nobel laureate Werner Heisenberg developed the Uncertainty Principle which postulates that one can never know both the velocity and the position of a particle in space because the effects of measuring one affects the other in an unpredictable manner. However, the unpredictability is on a subatomic scale (i.e., it is teensy tiny). Not that I would ever stoop to arguing from authority( fallacious argument), but Herr Heisenberg was a physicst not a psychiatrist and while his exhalted position lends support for his ideas in quantum mechanics, it does little to support the extension of those ideas into the realm of understanding personal identity. If, as the respected scholar GS asserts, Personality were to be altered each time it was interacted with  (even a teensy tiny bit) then all humankind would suffer from dissociative fugue or at least would wear black socks with tennis shoes. Clearly this happens only in certain parts of Nevada and therefore puts a bit of a black eye on the UP as it applies to the Id.

But I have gotten way ahead of myself. I promised a discourse on uncertainty using the three archetypes. A quick refresher: an archetype is a cross-cultural foundation (as an example, the “mother-in-law” is an archetype found in every society and is immmediately recognizable)  – primarily found in myth and literature these achetypes are a manifestation of the collective unconciousness. There are three types of archetype: Character, Symbol, and Situation.

GS poses the question: “Who is to say who the real Linshaolin is?” I respectfully answer: perhaps Linshaolin is the best person even if she chooses to do so through performance art. Almost all behavior is learned, and since everyone now has access to the Internet so no longer need learn anything at all, it is fair to say that we no longer need to have behavior well-incorporated into our Id in order to claim it to be our own — part of our own true self. I can read about art appreciation one half hour before the art reception, retain it for an hour, sound brilliant, bask in the sunshine of admiration, build up my already grandiose self-esteem and it is all me.

“Lin, you have not yet touched upon the three archetypes,” you say peevishly. Well, alrighty then. Let’s start with Character. Linshaolin is a character — that is, she has been crafted by her owner to have certain traits that are Public and a whole lot more behind the scenes. Even within the Public set of traits, some are reserved and only a subset of the world gets to witness them. Like all good characters, Linshaolin is flawed, skirts peril, faces doom, finds romance, sacrifices heroically, suffers hubris, has an achilles heel (ok, it is plantar fascitis but that is close enough), and lies at parties.

These characterisitics (note the root “ristics”) are in every shade and nuance of world literature and fine art — they define the Archetype called Character. There is no uncertainty here. They form the core of Identity thus making Linshaolin recognizable to everyone on the planet. But Character is but one of three Archetypes and all three are needed. It is the active selection of aspects of Character that allows for the integration of the second Archetype — Symbol. …to be continued in Part 2.

Categories: Humor · Psychology

Thumbs

May 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

Having just tried (unsuccessfully) to use my thumb to drive a needle through several thicknesses of cloth, I now have the opportunity to do some scientific observation on the nature of this most important digit. At a force of about seven pounds per square inch, a needle will penetrate a thumb to the depth of approximately one quarter inch. A square inch of thumb, at a depth of one quarter inch, has close to seven trillion nerve cells and a litre of blood. The recoil of a stabbed thumb exceeds the speed of light but the sound barrier remains unbroken — so the F word rings out loud and clear. This is followed by intense thumb observation to ensure that the blood that is beginning to rise up out of the wound like a lava flow out of Vesuvius is sufficiently red and so that the optimal amount of blood pooling occurs so that the subsequent urgent thumb sucking is effective in staunching the flow of one’s vital essence.

Observation of the physical data points is not sufficient in itself. It must be accompanied by an internal dialog about the psychology of repeated stupid actions (i.e., using one’s thumb to force a sharp object through unyielding substance). Being an avid scientist, I have kept a log of these internal dialogs over time: July 11, 1956 — “Whaaa, MMooommmy”; October 3, 1967 — “That was so f&*ing not groovy!”; May 15, 1986 — “What the frig!@##!”; May 9, 2008 — “OK, I give, go ahead and  use me as a stupid pin cushion, I really don’t care!” Careful analysis of these log entries can be found in my best-selling self-help book (soon to be available at Buck-a-Book) Prozac and the Art of Quillting. I quote: “Repeated disregard for pain and the very real chance of getting blood all over your sewing project is a sign of failure to learn from experience disorder. Talk therapy, while amusing, has a poor outlook in terms of problem resolution. Mood altering drugs are even less efficacious. Patients with this disorder are advised to take up book binding. (However, please bear in mind that book binding requires the use of a hot glue gun and patients should be alerted to the dangers of using their thumbs to sop up spilled piping hot glue.)

For those of us resistant to treatment and who continue to proceed with using sharp needles in our hobby work, perhaps a bit of anthropologic documentary will give us sufficient context with which to better appreciate our thumbs (and, as a result, to treat them with more respect):

The prehensile thumb (a thumb capable of the universal hitchhiking gesture) developed in early anthropods before they developed walking skills. Thumbing a ride is still widely prefered over schlepping over long distances. The truly opposable thumb soon evolved as homo habilis spent more time on the ground than in trees. This rapid evolution continues even today with the recent mutation within a selective population of metacarpus starbuckians — tissue and connective matter between the digits that not only allows for maximum opposability but also allows for balancing hot paper cups while opening car doors with a remote device.

While metacarpus starbuckians is truly one of those adaptations that will separate out the weakest of the species, it does little for the problem of Quilter’s Thumb (and please note: only Mr. Obama has addressed this problem in his Plan for the Presidency). Time will tell whether a) quilters die out or b) quilters evolve in such a way as to become unaffected by stabbing pain, or c) needles evolve.

Post Script: before certain Floridians call to my attention the tool know as the thimble, I will strike first and inform that this tool is only useful to non-Quilters. Real quilters consider it to be a sign of personal weakness to use a thimble. They are collectible items only — decorative, not functional.

Categories: Humor
Tagged:

Will the real Linshaolin please stand up?

May 7, 2008 · 3 Comments

The famous CBS TV show To Tell the Truth (from which the even more famous line “Will the real [insert name] please stand up” comes from) was all about deception. T.S. Eliot’s “Prepare to meet the faces that you meet” from The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock is all about the deceptions that take place in the social arena and the anxiety such situations provoke. The vast body of literature (think of all of Shakespeare’s women dressed as men and men dressed as women) and other forms of entertainment that deal with the deception of others reflects humankind’s fascination and anxiety over identity. Identity is so easy to create and so easy to use to manipulate others. We all do this all the time — most of us in a benign way.

Say you go to a social gathering, let’s say an art gallery reception, and you scan the room thinking “My god, they are all looking at these paintings with such knowing looks! I’d better look interested and perceptive too. . .” You are approached by an attractive man (woman, you pick) who says “Hi. This is great stuff! I love the way the artist infuses her work with a motif in the key of G.” You panic and say “My days at the Conservatory did little to prepare me for this masterful blending of fine art and music.” Of course, you never went to the Conservatory and the last music you listened to was “I ain’t got no satisfaction.” You pretend to choke on an olive and excuse yourself.

And how many of us are actually quite shy but no one has a clue. “Why Bella is the life of the party!” We become what we need to be. How and why do we become such great actors? When does acting become reality? What started out as emulating a cool kid so that you would “fit in” becomes such an easy mask to wear. Why take it off? Being the life of the party makes you fun and popular. So never let on that you would prefer a one-on-one discussing philosophy. Does the incorporation of what we borrow from others make it real identity? Are we now really the life of the party?

Most of the people who know Linshaolin casually think of her as a serious, mature woman. Those who know her through this blog think she has a sense of humor. Her husband and her therapists think she is whacko. Her close friends think she is a prankster. The guy at the art gallery thinks she went to the Conservatory of Music (well, in fact I did, but only for one semester. . .) Is Linshaolin a person who faces adversity with courage and resolve or is she a person who whines and is pathetic. Or is it both depending on what suits the occasion? What about you? Do you prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet? 

Categories: Psychology
Tagged:

SUV maddness — Linshaolin goes to the ER

May 4, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Wednesday night, returning home from taking my daughter out for dinner, we were rear-ended while waiting at a stop light. This happened six days after we picked up our car from the repair shop where it had its entire driver’s side rebuilt after my daughter lost control on black ice. My first thought, after the initial “I’m about to die” thought was “my insurance company is going to become hysterical.” On the contrary, the acted most professionally . . . “Do you mind holding just one moment? Hey, Justine, its the Shaolins again! (snort, snort). What? Oh no, I was not referring to you. I was telling Justine about another customer names Shaolin.”

Back to the scene of the accident: nineteen-year-old male is in lala-land and fails to notice that the cars in front of him are slowing to a stop at a red light and plows into our Corolla at thirty miles an hour. Did you know that Corolla bumpers are engineered the same way M&Ms are? Thin shell stuffed with styrofom. Do you know how many feet a Corolla bumper can fly when torn off a car at thirty miles per hour? Many. Do you know what happens to the contents of a trunk when it is accordian pleated? They become accordian pleated too. So much for my spare tennis sneakers and the left-overs from Cheesecake Factory.

Our car plows into the car in front of us (also a Corolla) occupied by a family of five including an infant. After recovering from the shock I went to check on them — they were fine and their car looked pristine  (as did the front of mine). The nineteen-year-old male comes to check on everyone and is very apologetic. The police arrive. The ambulance arrives. The fire trucks arrive. Only my daughter and I are injured — she is backboarded and we go to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. She is carted off immediately for CAT scans. This is at about 8:30 PM. I am seen by a doctor at about 1:00 AM and am sent off for x-rays and a CAT scan. Verdict — I have whiplash (and, by the way, some arthritis of the neck). Alli has torn the ligaments that support her upper spine. She has to be in a neck brace. At 4:00 AM we were allowed to go home under instructions to rest for the remainder of the week. I read the instructions out loud in the presence of the discharge nurse to be sure my husband understood them: “Complete bed rest for four days. Caramel latte by 9:00 AM daily. No bending to do laundry until July.”

Now comes the infinite number of calls with the lawyer, various insurance companies, renting a car, getting the car towed, retrieving our stuff, going to the police station, filling out reports, getting prescriptions filled, falling further behind at work. . . This is the second time I have been hit by a driver in an SUV. SUV is not the same as 007 — you have a driver’s license fella — not a license to kill! So, if  you must drive a big, gas-gussling, bad for the environment, supporting foreign economies car, then please be aware of two things — 1) everyone knows you are compensating and 2) if you hit me all you will be able to afford in the future is the bus.

Categories: Car Accident
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