Evolution :-)

From the time humans descended from the trees and walked upright, thus freeing the hands for shopping, evolution has marched resolutely ever upwards — homo erectus became homo sapiens. All that energy going into perfecting standing and walking and using our thumbs. Evolution takes hundreds of thousands of years, and yet in the blink of an eye (archaeologically speaking), all that work is becoming obsolete. Humankind need walk no more and thumbs are reserved for pressing the space bar.

What forces are so powerful that they alter the fundamental design of living? The Internet of course, is one — specifically the Tim Berners-Lee’s World Wide Web. In less than three decades homo sapiens has become homo digitalens. As homo digitalens sits in front of the computer his limbs begin to atrophy, Chinese food is ordered for delivery and the walk to the front door is insufficient to maintain muscle mass. This new order of human works from home, his only tools are they keyboard, mouse, and speakerphone. Hands begin the evolutionary march to dominance and we begin to see humanoids with large hands with long, dexterous fingers.  Even digitalen’s chemical structure begins to be altered from the long application of acrylic nails and white strips – they are becoming half human half beauty product. Nails become talons for ripping open those indestructible plastic bags and teeth become so brilliant that night time illumination is no longer required.

It i s not just physical changes that are taking place which are leading to a new species. Cultural changes too are so strikingly different. Art, which had become quite sophisticated in homo sapiens, has become specialized to the point where “emoticons” and installation art are its sole expressions. I am not including the weak derivative attempts to keep sapianic art alive by means of Photoshop.

The other forces are the powerful Playstation and the small but mighty Remote Control. Sport is becoming manifest in Teken and Pat Madden’s Football and even crime no longer requires physical activity since the dawn of Grand Theft Auto. We can hijack a car and kick the living daylights out of our enemies without leaving the BarcaLounger. The Remote Control is almost equal to the power of the Web in altering the direction of evolution. The male of the species can no longer bend an elbow, as the arm points ever outward toward the television. Legs are shriveling and are frozen in bent, sitting posture.

The female of the species is no less evolving. Archeological evidence points to an enourmous increase in the use of tools. It still unknown what these tools are used for but they are marked with a new vocabulary such as Ab-Cruncher and Thigh Master. The early theories that these tools are used to enhance physique have been negated by the fact that they are always found under the bed. Current thinking is that they are sex toys. (Please note that researchers are divided in the thinking about whether homo digitalens still engages in procreation.)

The Web, Playstation, and the Remote Control are the Three Musketeers of Evolutionary change. Even shopping, the hallmark of  homo sapiens‘ ascendance and dominance over lesser creatures, is now under the blade of the caped trio. Online stores, electronic shopping carts, UPS delivery, home shopping television, and virtual dressing rooms make homo digitalens flabby, round, squat, with enormous hands whose fingers are slim. Slim fingers are specialized for the task of prying the credit card from its slot in the wallet and for manipulating the little red track ball on the keyboard — a skill still necessary for those expeditions when the intrepid homo digitalens braves taking his laptop out to the patio.

If you remain among the unevolved, still unable to open a bag of lettuce, fear not. There is a fast track to evolutionary change that will get you up to speed with homo digitalens. That fast track is called a “blog”. You merely have to start one and the rest of the process will take care of its self. You will be required to do some writing, but the majority of your evolutionary changes will take place by the constant repetition of the following sequence of keystrokes: Dashboard, Blog Stats, Scroll Bar Down, Scroll Bar Up, Feed Stats, Google Search, Type name of blog.

You will know when you are evolved when your speed dial has only two entries: Shanghai Village and Technical Support.